Saturday, April 05, 2008

All My Love

While Libby wears her heart on her sleeve, Isaac keeps his safely in his pocket.

Contrary to our earliest assessments, Isaac isn’t just shy, it’s more than that – he is very carefully guarded, even with us. Yesterday he was angry and crying, he went into his room, shut the door and insisted he wanted to be left alone. He’s five; he shouldn’t want to be alone, he should want his mom, right? Two weeks ago something happened at school and I got a similar response: “I don’t want to talk about it.” It’s all No Talking and No Mooshy Stuff with this kid. And for weeks I have been feeling rejected by him which quickly and irrationally turns into fear that some window has already closed and I won’t be allowed in.

Libby is more of an open book kind of girl right now. She seems to sense when to reach out and when to offer a thoughtful word of encouragement. She is very giving in her receiving of kisses and hugs and I love you’s. It just comes easier and more naturally to her. I don’t know how this will play out and she is showing plenty of signs of being more and more shy in unfamiliar situations but right now she is totally available.

Today I picked up my book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert in which I have found many profound nuggets of wisdom and these words jumped off the page at me: It’s not their job to love me but my job to love them. Yes, of course, that’s it. It’s my job and honor to love these children and expect nothing in return. I have been trying to find a way to get Isaac to accept me reaching out to him and that’s why I’ve been frustrated; I forgot my end of the deal… that there is no deal. So, despite Isaac’s no kissing policy, I do get lucky at bedtime when his guard is down and his heart is wide open to kisses and shared I love you’s.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Today, especially, I needed to read this post. Thanks, as usual, for your lovely honesty.