Negotiations

It’s difficult to know sometimes where to set the expectation bar with my young children. I have to remind myself from time to time to give them a little space – space to do the right thing before I step in, sensing exactly where a situation is headed. And even giving them the space to flat-out screw up and learn the lessons of growing up. As they’ve gotten older there are more and more situations where Isaac and Libby are playing and keeping a certain distance from the listening ears and watchful eyes of the adults. If I were a fly on the wall on these occasions, would I be okay with what I see and hear or would I have to start buzzing in their faces for lack of other means to run interference? I’m guessing a little of both.

We were at a friend’s home with a few other families and when it was time to leave, both my kids had stuffed animals in hand that didn’t belong to them. I, of course, instructed them to put the toys away as we were ready to head home. They assured me that our hosts’ daughter had “given” them the toys. Hummm? I gave them my raised eyebrow, skeptical look but my friend told me not to worry about it and seemed happy to see her daughter’s junk leaving with us. Walking home, I asked Isaac who is getting more and more sophisticated at knowing when to keep his mouth shut what the deal was and he just shrugged. While I was tucking Libby in, I pushed her as to why her friend had given them the toys and she told me that two of the girls at the gathering had wanted to be left alone “to talk” and wanted my two out of their hair (I’m paraphrasing) so they basically bribed my kids with stuffed animals to leave. I was puzzled at how to react to this one.

Of course my first thought was, oh great, my kids are pests even among their peers. My second thought, they should have graciously excused themselves so they girls could have the privacy they had requested without needing to be asked twice much less leaving with loot. And finally, I realized that in their own weird way they had all done what I’ve asked them to do countless times, they worked it out. No one had gotten into an argument, hurt anyone’s feelings or come to file a complaint with the adults; the kids negotiated an arrangement that worked for everyone. I can’t really say I was proud, but I was satisfied.

After all, just today I used t.v. time as leverage to get rooms picked up and the promise of banana chocolate chip muffins to make asparagus more palatable. So, what should I expect… set the bar high and hope there comes a time when ones children figure out that the reward isn’t a toy or a muffin but the integrity of making good and thoughtful choices.